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Entry tags:
july / life.....
opened my editor to write this life update and why was the autofilled subject line "rating cubers in motorsport" 😔 the ranking is gabriele mini > bez > jev btw. actually i have no actual proof of jev being a competent cuber but poke sent me a video of him coaching stoffel through a basic method tutorial so (?) presumably... mini highkey has that dawg in him though major respect
anyway...
* austria/silvo: austria was kind of funny to me because while everyone was losing their minds over the ~end of norstappen~ i was frantically turning on my vpn to chase down different post-race interview footage to see if i could get another angle of the 814 moment 😠334 contact aside i thought austria was a well-driven race for mclaren overall... oscar's qualifying woes are frustrating because who knows how the race would have unfolded if he'd started higher up on the grid and how it would have impacted strategy but i think oscar's been in strong form recently (ignoring spain) and i wish people were less extreme in their discussions about him but... it is what it is really.
f1 fandom is just an interesting space because it's so steeped in like Respectability narratives and often takes on shades of essentially line_distribution_protest_truck k-pop mistreatment drama. like oscar is not bts jin it'll be fine. at some point i don't even really know how people determine things with such confidence and authority without any actual tangible proof or understanding of how huge professional sports organizations work and are run but it is what it is [2]........... been meaning to write a few long posts only to be hindered majorly by [health stuff i'll get into] so nothing i say lately even makes any sense but i do think i'll try to put together a proper feeder series writeup at some point or another if i can gather the energy c__c
i have complicated feelings on ollie's performance this year but i am happy that his inevitable contract has been confirmed and that haas is in relatively better hands now leadership wise... hulk recent form over lec/per is maybe kind of a bit funny.
silvo is like [gunshot noise] why did they do that fr. but then all the wank just annoyed me further LOL why are we letting ourselves lose sight that in all of this oscar had a phenomenal drive... it's weird because i'm not an optimist but i do think there are ways to rationalize most things which may or may not be the same principle but it's like... you know, for example i do believe that >yes logan was "rushed" into f1 and it can be seen as a cautionary tale for talents the likes of kimi, but also >kimi is better than logan and if you do have that dawg in you then it will eventually be proven in a trial by fire, and also >instead of viewing it as "logan was fucked over by williams because they didn't give him enough time to marinate" it's really more "logan was absurdly lucky to be the highest ranking junior under williams in a weird transitional moment wherein oscar didn't pan out and they didn't want to become an incubator for other teams anyway so they promoted him and he was given 2 years in f1 despite being on a similar enough level to many drivers currently in indycar/endurance who never got that opportunity in the first place"....... but i think it can be hard to view the broader picture when your consumption of a sport is limited to the shallow occupational hierarchy imposed by mainstream media coverage.
* health: been having to make peace with a lot of things lately and it is frustrating and sad and just... really what can you do. i have a lot of bad_weird_sad feelings about how little my body works and how useless and dysfunctional and terrible i feel every single day, even though i know it's not....... it's better to do 30% of a thing than to not do it at all so i kind of just have to accept i can only finish like half of what i plan on a good day, and that there are a lot of activities i don't have the bandwidth for anymore or that i now take 4x as long to do, and... it's life. just makes me feel really down about the things i draw/make/write/idk just the general way i exist nowadays. i need to be kinder to myself but it scares me that there's a lot of uncertainty currently and that none of these process are linear or necessarily even identifiable yet.
i'm just so tired c__c and tired of being tired. want a break from feeling like this every day... ah well
* stars are going to make me kms for real. that's all i'll say
* k-pop: miss nwjns why are you the qtest everrrr been watching so much random variety of them l8ly. i wish i had a nwjns ship i wanted to write for but alas... i really am so haerinpilled though and i'm realizing all over again that the reason i like oscar so much is that he's catbunny and those are my top 2 idol archetypes TT i never stood a chance.
also csb is KRILLING MEEEEEEEEEE the utter pathetic gayboy panache he so shamelessly embodies is the most inspiring thing in the world... flaunting his relationship with some cultured non-celebrity letterboxd film bro is the funniest thing ever like he's making you watch koreeda films and you're reading A LITTLE LIFE for him ?????????? ðŸ˜
nothing to say. walk your idol4nonidol flower path though you deserve it. does he have a rym account is he on the post-rock dcgall i need to know more
* ficstuff: i only need to write 17k more words this year to have written 100k between 2022-2024... which is crasy but also embarrassing and also somewhat possible but maybe not idk. i really want to write this one fic but i'm daunted by the prospect and i also think....... i don't know, i feel like i've been so exhausted mentally that i don't have the energy for the same dynamics in my writing as before, and i feel so silly and stupid for the things i've been rotating lately but i also don't really see a point in forcing it when i feel so shit so i just have to roll with it.
there are a few things i want to make but i don't know how to get started or what to prioritize..... 1) oscar art series thing i've been doodling + some other random old sketches, 2) aforementioned fic 3) other fic wip that needs major revamping, 4) a reference graphic for oscarlore, 5) an archive/database for 814 videos, 6) 814 lore video, and then 7) the dream is truly to do a zine collab one day but that's just a lofty idea chel put into my head that i think is fun to dream about... too many people encourage me to make stupid 814 things and i appreciate the generosity more than i can say but i still can't help but feel stupid about it alsfdkhldfh.
i will try to do a little bit of something before i sleep TT__TT baby steps...
* not to get too serious but the ㅉㅇ stuff just freaking breaks my heart. i like her so much and have watched her for so long and it's just... i don't know. heartbreaking and infuriating and just so frustrating. of course it is well-established that men are the scum of the earth but the constant reminders of how much they enjoy exploiting people's vulnerabilities for sport and how powerless we are in the face of these systems makes my stomach turn. i'm just glad she's in a safer place now and has support but... sigh. just exhausted. heart hurts for her so much
ok girlrock out c__c happy birthday erno rubik <3 also i got a portable fan and the way it permanently displays 81f.... everything reminds me of her 😔
anyway...
* austria/silvo: austria was kind of funny to me because while everyone was losing their minds over the ~end of norstappen~ i was frantically turning on my vpn to chase down different post-race interview footage to see if i could get another angle of the 814 moment 😠334 contact aside i thought austria was a well-driven race for mclaren overall... oscar's qualifying woes are frustrating because who knows how the race would have unfolded if he'd started higher up on the grid and how it would have impacted strategy but i think oscar's been in strong form recently (ignoring spain) and i wish people were less extreme in their discussions about him but... it is what it is really.
f1 fandom is just an interesting space because it's so steeped in like Respectability narratives and often takes on shades of essentially line_distribution_protest_truck k-pop mistreatment drama. like oscar is not bts jin it'll be fine. at some point i don't even really know how people determine things with such confidence and authority without any actual tangible proof or understanding of how huge professional sports organizations work and are run but it is what it is [2]........... been meaning to write a few long posts only to be hindered majorly by [health stuff i'll get into] so nothing i say lately even makes any sense but i do think i'll try to put together a proper feeder series writeup at some point or another if i can gather the energy c__c
i have complicated feelings on ollie's performance this year but i am happy that his inevitable contract has been confirmed and that haas is in relatively better hands now leadership wise... hulk recent form over lec/per is maybe kind of a bit funny.
silvo is like [gunshot noise] why did they do that fr. but then all the wank just annoyed me further LOL why are we letting ourselves lose sight that in all of this oscar had a phenomenal drive... it's weird because i'm not an optimist but i do think there are ways to rationalize most things which may or may not be the same principle but it's like... you know, for example i do believe that >yes logan was "rushed" into f1 and it can be seen as a cautionary tale for talents the likes of kimi, but also >kimi is better than logan and if you do have that dawg in you then it will eventually be proven in a trial by fire, and also >instead of viewing it as "logan was fucked over by williams because they didn't give him enough time to marinate" it's really more "logan was absurdly lucky to be the highest ranking junior under williams in a weird transitional moment wherein oscar didn't pan out and they didn't want to become an incubator for other teams anyway so they promoted him and he was given 2 years in f1 despite being on a similar enough level to many drivers currently in indycar/endurance who never got that opportunity in the first place"....... but i think it can be hard to view the broader picture when your consumption of a sport is limited to the shallow occupational hierarchy imposed by mainstream media coverage.
* health: been having to make peace with a lot of things lately and it is frustrating and sad and just... really what can you do. i have a lot of bad_weird_sad feelings about how little my body works and how useless and dysfunctional and terrible i feel every single day, even though i know it's not....... it's better to do 30% of a thing than to not do it at all so i kind of just have to accept i can only finish like half of what i plan on a good day, and that there are a lot of activities i don't have the bandwidth for anymore or that i now take 4x as long to do, and... it's life. just makes me feel really down about the things i draw/make/write/idk just the general way i exist nowadays. i need to be kinder to myself but it scares me that there's a lot of uncertainty currently and that none of these process are linear or necessarily even identifiable yet.
i'm just so tired c__c and tired of being tired. want a break from feeling like this every day... ah well
* stars are going to make me kms for real. that's all i'll say
* k-pop: miss nwjns why are you the qtest everrrr been watching so much random variety of them l8ly. i wish i had a nwjns ship i wanted to write for but alas... i really am so haerinpilled though and i'm realizing all over again that the reason i like oscar so much is that he's catbunny and those are my top 2 idol archetypes TT i never stood a chance.
also csb is KRILLING MEEEEEEEEEE the utter pathetic gayboy panache he so shamelessly embodies is the most inspiring thing in the world... flaunting his relationship with some cultured non-celebrity letterboxd film bro is the funniest thing ever like he's making you watch koreeda films and you're reading A LITTLE LIFE for him ?????????? ðŸ˜
nothing to say. walk your idol4nonidol flower path though you deserve it. does he have a rym account is he on the post-rock dcgall i need to know more
* ficstuff: i only need to write 17k more words this year to have written 100k between 2022-2024... which is crasy but also embarrassing and also somewhat possible but maybe not idk. i really want to write this one fic but i'm daunted by the prospect and i also think....... i don't know, i feel like i've been so exhausted mentally that i don't have the energy for the same dynamics in my writing as before, and i feel so silly and stupid for the things i've been rotating lately but i also don't really see a point in forcing it when i feel so shit so i just have to roll with it.
there are a few things i want to make but i don't know how to get started or what to prioritize..... 1) oscar art series thing i've been doodling + some other random old sketches, 2) aforementioned fic 3) other fic wip that needs major revamping, 4) a reference graphic for oscarlore, 5) an archive/database for 814 videos, 6) 814 lore video, and then 7) the dream is truly to do a zine collab one day but that's just a lofty idea chel put into my head that i think is fun to dream about... too many people encourage me to make stupid 814 things and i appreciate the generosity more than i can say but i still can't help but feel stupid about it alsfdkhldfh.
i will try to do a little bit of something before i sleep TT__TT baby steps...
* not to get too serious but the ㅉㅇ stuff just freaking breaks my heart. i like her so much and have watched her for so long and it's just... i don't know. heartbreaking and infuriating and just so frustrating. of course it is well-established that men are the scum of the earth but the constant reminders of how much they enjoy exploiting people's vulnerabilities for sport and how powerless we are in the face of these systems makes my stomach turn. i'm just glad she's in a safer place now and has support but... sigh. just exhausted. heart hurts for her so much
ok girlrock out c__c happy birthday erno rubik <3 also i got a portable fan and the way it permanently displays 81f.... everything reminds me of her 😔