the unbearable cringeness of being...
Apr. 9th, 2024 03:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
girlrock10-minute post (hopefully)..............
life & things & fandom update i suppose. everything is so tiring... honestly......... it's so hard to be optimistic when your health is just bad/constantly getting worse/creating an inescapable vicious cycle you can't see any way out of. how 2 be normal βββ asking 4 a friend....
honestly i don't even remember what i said in my march update so... it is what it is
i keep telling risa i'm going to make an snl post and i do intend on finishing it eventually but the draft for that is just sitting around in my notes app somewhere. which speaking of my notes app why is it such an ungodly place... i truly used to write Essays and Lore in there now i just track gif timestamps in it. and my nyt connections scribbles and other nonsensical thoughts and links lol. also sometimes i can't tell whether the fic scraps i write down there are things i actually wrote or like quotes from an article which probably speaks quite negatively of the creative qualities of my writing.
anyway... also it's kind of worrisome how many links i have with just the words "eyebrow raise" above or below i really could make the ojp microexpressions gifset if i wanted to... heuk...... but also that's a fairly obvious expression of his so it's more like his very involuntary eye & mouth tics that i'm fascinated by which. eh idrk
catching up with 2024 albums and madra by newdad is a totally derivative shoegazey indie girl rock album but i also listened to it in its entirety like 4 times. it keeps making me think of the *** fic i'm working on that i kind of wish i'd never started because now i'm just annoyed that i have this draft and i wish i didn't. i hate my writing so much so why do i still do it.... i'm blessed to have beautiful oomfic but unfortunately you cannot make them write every single nonsensical self-indulgent premise that flits through your mind ! .....where was i
cowboy carter is one of the best albums of the year but i haven't really been wowed by much in general. bodyguard dot mp3 is phenomenal... in the vein of country the new kacey didn't move me that much, though it is objectively stronger than star-crossed so i can probably get more into it with a few more spins. i think the few standout tracks on star-crossed are overall better though... basedthereisalightenjoyer
also still on the topic of (gothic) country, amigo the devil's yours until the war is over is kind of batshit but i can't pretend it doesn't still resonate. cannibal within is..... amazing......... all the parts we hate start adding up / until we find ourselves with more regret than blood / the moment we can't recognize the person inside our skin / we're losing the fight, eaten alive by the cannibal within π₯² By the time i'm feeling fine again it's just another line................... brah.
bleachers album: we do not need more bleachers albums in the year 2024. jantonoff has taken enough from me
miss lolo doing a track with shygirl is cute... not peak or anything but i liked it personally. saving france-uk relations one bilingual house single at a time
whitelands - night-bound eyes are blind to the day..... Slay. sometimes all you need is just decent hazy shoegaze that refuses to reinvent the wheel. how it feels dot mp3 π
new everything^2 is not raw data feel but it's not bad either. need to listen to it again. ok i could go on but enough about music........ or actually last thing miss olivia is always most cutieful endearingest gen z popgirl to me and i have never once related to a single lyric of hers but i do think obsessed is massive amounts of fun sonically. sorry people on the internet are misappropriating your songs for a doomed motorsport ship
fandom is just like >
honestly there's nothing wrong with it it's just that i experience too many Every Day IRL Horrors that i get paranoid and overthink everything and feel bad for existing in any capacity on the internet.
ββοΈ but march was march. the highlight of my year will forever be going to dallas to watch a few stars games @ homeeee, and now across the reg season i've managed to see them 7 times (5-1-1 π !!!) and witnessed some truly insane games and specific moments and milestones...... which is really special imo. also the funniest thing that the tickets for all of these games collectively were still cheaper than my mfing f1 ticket for the One race we're going to this year....
anyway i'm too susceptible to capitalism. actually not really because i expressly hate spending money and i put Excruciating amounts of thought into this purchase and have been tracking its ebay listings for almost a year but i finally obtained a mooterus jersey (funnily enough not on ebay) for relatively cheap which βοΈβοΈβοΈ my dream jersey OAT... TT__TT π₯Ί obviously i no longer have use for it this szn so i haven't worn it to a game yet but i'm still super happy about it. also semi-related but why did i buy a mcl shirt from hollister and then realize that hollister clothes r actually rly nice & good quality ??? i'm half considering putting in another order but i won't
tbh i'm just so scared for the playoffs because we've never had forward depth this good and we're a "wagon" by certain interpretations of the word and have actual ct3 tdl acquisition blue line flexibility and otter has bounced back in recent times and the hawks loss was embarrassing but in the end also a tseg load management experiment to test out different lines and slot mav in etc. etc. ........ but also. why am i terrified of a vgk 1st round exit. why can't i get out of my doomerist mindset! basically:
i'm looking forward to them of course but i'm also going to be the most stressed out and unbearable version of myself for [insert time] and i'm already stressed out and unbearable enough as it is ! sportswise it's much easier following mcl because my expectations are much better tempered and there is way less uncertainty in terms of pure event randomness and matchup parity. of course this is because f1 is a farcical sport (i kid)
at the end of the day.......... my problem is that i hate liking things. but not because i Want to hate things or that i possess a baseline pessimism for the world but more because i have no concept of myself as a real person and that liking things implies a certain humanity i am incapable of recognizing in myself, and.......... it's just embarrassing really. approx once every 2 months i tell myself that i don't actually care and am disillusioned by the bgp amongst other things but in the end the facets of my interest are not so largely determined by one single factor (e.g. shipbait is only a secondary benefit of being ojppaen :melting_face:) that it can dispel me so easily of my investment... horrifying.
the cycle is like >make thing >hate thing >delete thing >talk to someone >regret talking to them (me_problem of course) >have one single thought >regret having that thought >bleh >blegh. brain badness
i suck so freaking much at art it just depresses me but i still do it. i do so many things poorly and inconsistently despite having no growth potential in them at all, and if that isn't a metaphor for the slog of adulthood then what is.... it annoys me that i can only do stupid useless cheebs + stiff portrait studies with no inbetween, i wish i could properly stylize a semi-realistic style that i don't hate... or even like quarter-realistic if that's even a thing.
blegh.
guy who is told "δ½ ζ³ε€ͺε€" an average amount of 4 times a day. don't worry about it
my emotional support wesbian streamers................ joker dot jpeg you wouldn't get it. sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane after a long day. but also my youtube algo definitely does not understand who i am right now
feeling vindicated as a yuki understander as of late but i am also constantly cautious about saying anything of the sort. We shall see. truly scenes of 8 months ago
ok i'll stop here. good night. i don't remember what else i had to say.....
life & things & fandom update i suppose. everything is so tiring... honestly......... it's so hard to be optimistic when your health is just bad/constantly getting worse/creating an inescapable vicious cycle you can't see any way out of. how 2 be normal βββ asking 4 a friend....
honestly i don't even remember what i said in my march update so... it is what it is
i keep telling risa i'm going to make an snl post and i do intend on finishing it eventually but the draft for that is just sitting around in my notes app somewhere. which speaking of my notes app why is it such an ungodly place... i truly used to write Essays and Lore in there now i just track gif timestamps in it. and my nyt connections scribbles and other nonsensical thoughts and links lol. also sometimes i can't tell whether the fic scraps i write down there are things i actually wrote or like quotes from an article which probably speaks quite negatively of the creative qualities of my writing.
anyway... also it's kind of worrisome how many links i have with just the words "eyebrow raise" above or below i really could make the ojp microexpressions gifset if i wanted to... heuk...... but also that's a fairly obvious expression of his so it's more like his very involuntary eye & mouth tics that i'm fascinated by which. eh idrk
catching up with 2024 albums and madra by newdad is a totally derivative shoegazey indie girl rock album but i also listened to it in its entirety like 4 times. it keeps making me think of the *** fic i'm working on that i kind of wish i'd never started because now i'm just annoyed that i have this draft and i wish i didn't. i hate my writing so much so why do i still do it.... i'm blessed to have beautiful oomfic but unfortunately you cannot make them write every single nonsensical self-indulgent premise that flits through your mind ! .....where was i
cowboy carter is one of the best albums of the year but i haven't really been wowed by much in general. bodyguard dot mp3 is phenomenal... in the vein of country the new kacey didn't move me that much, though it is objectively stronger than star-crossed so i can probably get more into it with a few more spins. i think the few standout tracks on star-crossed are overall better though... basedthereisalightenjoyer
also still on the topic of (gothic) country, amigo the devil's yours until the war is over is kind of batshit but i can't pretend it doesn't still resonate. cannibal within is..... amazing......... all the parts we hate start adding up / until we find ourselves with more regret than blood / the moment we can't recognize the person inside our skin / we're losing the fight, eaten alive by the cannibal within π₯² By the time i'm feeling fine again it's just another line................... brah.
bleachers album: we do not need more bleachers albums in the year 2024. jantonoff has taken enough from me
miss lolo doing a track with shygirl is cute... not peak or anything but i liked it personally. saving france-uk relations one bilingual house single at a time
whitelands - night-bound eyes are blind to the day..... Slay. sometimes all you need is just decent hazy shoegaze that refuses to reinvent the wheel. how it feels dot mp3 π
new everything^2 is not raw data feel but it's not bad either. need to listen to it again. ok i could go on but enough about music........ or actually last thing miss olivia is always most cutieful endearingest gen z popgirl to me and i have never once related to a single lyric of hers but i do think obsessed is massive amounts of fun sonically. sorry people on the internet are misappropriating your songs for a doomed motorsport ship
fandom is just like >
honestly there's nothing wrong with it it's just that i experience too many Every Day IRL Horrors that i get paranoid and overthink everything and feel bad for existing in any capacity on the internet.
ββοΈ but march was march. the highlight of my year will forever be going to dallas to watch a few stars games @ homeeee, and now across the reg season i've managed to see them 7 times (5-1-1 π !!!) and witnessed some truly insane games and specific moments and milestones...... which is really special imo. also the funniest thing that the tickets for all of these games collectively were still cheaper than my mfing f1 ticket for the One race we're going to this year....
anyway i'm too susceptible to capitalism. actually not really because i expressly hate spending money and i put Excruciating amounts of thought into this purchase and have been tracking its ebay listings for almost a year but i finally obtained a mooterus jersey (funnily enough not on ebay) for relatively cheap which βοΈβοΈβοΈ my dream jersey OAT... TT__TT π₯Ί obviously i no longer have use for it this szn so i haven't worn it to a game yet but i'm still super happy about it. also semi-related but why did i buy a mcl shirt from hollister and then realize that hollister clothes r actually rly nice & good quality ??? i'm half considering putting in another order but i won't
tbh i'm just so scared for the playoffs because we've never had forward depth this good and we're a "wagon" by certain interpretations of the word and have actual ct3 tdl acquisition blue line flexibility and otter has bounced back in recent times and the hawks loss was embarrassing but in the end also a tseg load management experiment to test out different lines and slot mav in etc. etc. ........ but also. why am i terrified of a vgk 1st round exit. why can't i get out of my doomerist mindset! basically:
i'm looking forward to them of course but i'm also going to be the most stressed out and unbearable version of myself for [insert time] and i'm already stressed out and unbearable enough as it is ! sportswise it's much easier following mcl because my expectations are much better tempered and there is way less uncertainty in terms of pure event randomness and matchup parity. of course this is because f1 is a farcical sport (i kid)
at the end of the day.......... my problem is that i hate liking things. but not because i Want to hate things or that i possess a baseline pessimism for the world but more because i have no concept of myself as a real person and that liking things implies a certain humanity i am incapable of recognizing in myself, and.......... it's just embarrassing really. approx once every 2 months i tell myself that i don't actually care and am disillusioned by the bgp amongst other things but in the end the facets of my interest are not so largely determined by one single factor (e.g. shipbait is only a secondary benefit of being ojppaen :melting_face:) that it can dispel me so easily of my investment... horrifying.
the cycle is like >make thing >hate thing >delete thing >talk to someone >regret talking to them (me_problem of course) >have one single thought >regret having that thought >bleh >blegh. brain badness
i suck so freaking much at art it just depresses me but i still do it. i do so many things poorly and inconsistently despite having no growth potential in them at all, and if that isn't a metaphor for the slog of adulthood then what is.... it annoys me that i can only do stupid useless cheebs + stiff portrait studies with no inbetween, i wish i could properly stylize a semi-realistic style that i don't hate... or even like quarter-realistic if that's even a thing.
blegh.
guy who is told "δ½ ζ³ε€ͺε€" an average amount of 4 times a day. don't worry about it
my emotional support wesbian streamers................ joker dot jpeg you wouldn't get it. sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane after a long day. but also my youtube algo definitely does not understand who i am right now
feeling vindicated as a yuki understander as of late but i am also constantly cautious about saying anything of the sort. We shall see. truly scenes of 8 months ago
ok i'll stop here. good night. i don't remember what else i had to say.....
no subject
Date: 2024-04-09 03:36 pm (UTC)i have no concept of myself as a real person and that liking things implies a certain humanity i am incapable of recognizing in myself
god i relate to this. i wish i had advice but i don't sadly because i'm in the same boat. i guess... maybe just knowing another person feels the same way can hopefully help <3
no subject
Date: 2024-04-09 07:35 pm (UTC)but ilysm melo TT i truly always hope that life can get just that little bit easier for you, you're one of the coolest and strongest people i know and i am always endlessly proud of all the things you do and so generously choose to share with us π thank you for being you
no subject
Date: 2024-04-10 01:19 am (UTC)god thank you so much, that is so kind <3 i think you're immensely strong too and i just admire your dedication to all the things you love so so much. i hope things get better for the both of us <3
no subject
Date: 2024-04-10 01:26 pm (UTC)playoffs are the best of times and worst of times literally...but one day it will be worth it.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-19 05:31 am (UTC)i'm so scared... fucking vegas............